Monday, August 13, 2012

My Baby Brother Turns 29 and I turned 31

As far as I can remember, my brother and I celebrated our birthdays together.  My birthday is August 11th and my brother Jearamiah's is the 13th.  So naturally, we celebrated it on the 12th.


I never thought anything of it.  I liked it actually...being able to celebrate with someone.  My mom and dad would always make a cake for us or have a neighbor friend make a special character cake (i.e.  cabbage patch doll cake, etc). 

In about a month, it'll be 5 years since my brother passed away and for whatever reason I'm finding this year to be especially hard...I don't know...maybe it's because this year marks the 5th year.  It feels like a milestone or something. 

I miss him terribly.  I feel this sense of loneliness.  Granted, I know my sibling relationship wasn't typical, so I don't know what it was like to argue or fight with my brother, but I did have a brother.  I have to imagine always being an only child feels different than being an only child due to an unfortunate circumstance.  Even though it was never "normal" he was all I had...and I don't have him anymore.  

It never even crossed my mind growing up that he would go before me...and so soon in his life.  Even in high school and college, I mentally planned to be his caretaker once my parents became too old to do it themselves...and I always told myself that I had to find a special man that would be able to handle my special circumstances. 

Most of everything good in me, I truly think came from my brother.  From an early age, I naturally had a big heart and didn't like hearing of people being mistreated just because they are different in any way.  I never understood it and I still don't.  Not many people in their lives can say they knew some genuinely perfect...without fault...sinless.  I did and he was beautiful. 

Happy birthday Jearemiah.  When I picture how you would be celebrating your 29th birthday, I vision a little awnriness, a little booze, maybe a tattoo... a lot of fun, and a lot of smiles.  I miss you and losing you has never really ever gotten easier for me...I constantly think I am disappointing you with my actions or my thoughts.  I've never claimed to be perfect, but when you know that your brother was perfect, it's something to live up to.  Love you baby brother. 


Jordan Sanders said...

Very sweet post Cristal. What an awesome big sister you are.

Sara said...

So, I'm sitting at work crying now. Thanks ; )

What a beautiful thing it was to have someone like him in your life, and what an even more beautiful thing it will be when you see him again. I imagine that when that day comes, he'll walk up to you and tell you what an amazing person you are, and how much of a difference you made in his life.

Karen said...

You know my heart is always with you and how much I can empathize.

Helra said...

I just read this post!
And man, you got me crying...

I love knowing that some of my favorite characteristics of you comes from Jearemiah! :)

I love you!

I especially love the photos; i've not seen a few of them before now... my absolute favorite is the one where you're blowing out the candle, and Jearemiah has the sweetest smile on his face... with his eyes closed making a bday wish :)

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