Thursday, September 15, 2011

{1460 days} - 4 years since...

It's been 4 years since my brother passed away.  I think I take his birthday the hardest since we were only 2 days apart, but the one thought I take away from September 15th is that it was the day he took his last breath.  It does something to you when you are holding the hand of your baby brother and you witness him passing.  There was nothing I could have done as a big sister to change what was playing out in front of me...I couldn't make him better, I couldn't switch places with him, I couldn't take the pain away from my parents, I just couldn't....

I like to think the best parts of me came from him.  Don't get me wrong, my parents are amazing and they did the best they could...but it's amazing how much you can learn from someone that is unable to speak.  Because of him, I have an enormous amount of compassion....maybe to a fault.   Any time I see someone with a disability, my heart just goes out to them and their family...I'm hoping they are getting the best care and they have a loving and supportive family like my brother did.   I don't take jokes about mental retardation or people with special needs well at all.   I think it's a tacky subject to joke about. 

I think some people the older they get, the colder they become....especially after someone close to them has passed away or if you've been hurt by someone you love.  It's easy to do, I understand.  That's just not how I want to live my life.  I took many things away from the experience of losing my one and only sibling...and one was to love as much as possible because when I die, I don't want to be remembered as the woman that always had something mean to say.  I don't care for gossip these days.  Instead of rushing to tell someone the first piece of juicy gossip I've heard about someone, I keep it to myself and just feel flattered that person confided in me.  I don't like to get in the middle of other peoples drama because most likely they will work it out themselves...a 3rd party usually makes it worse. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is everyday is an opportunity to better yourself...better yourself as a wife, a mother, a friend, whatever role(s) you are....

Sometimes at night I'll wonder if my brother is proud of who I've become...who I am becoming....a lot of times I think he would be disappointed...since he has access to my not so nice thoughts sometimes ;)  But like someone once told me, if you don't give up, you haven't failed. So, the next day, I try to have better thoughts. 

It's easy to judge...sometimes we do it without even realizing it.  Someone else once told me, "Be kinder than necessary because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."  It's true. 

September 15th carries a whole mess of emotions for me, but it also is the same day my sister in law married her match 10 years ago and the same day that my friend Tamara gave birth to her baby girl one year ago.  It's a happy day, therefore on this day, I will remember my brother with the utmost happiest thoughts, which is really all I have anyways :) 





1 comment:

kyna... said...

Wow, what a great post! I need to remind myself to "be a kinder person" often these days (unfortunately I have been so stressed, and that makes me not such a nice person). Thank you for the reminder!
♥ Kyna

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